Sometimes you know...

I started thinking about writing this and then I paused. I paused and I delayed for many reasons, mostly because I'm scared. I feel like technology is a blessing and a burden at the same time. We can be very open and honest about the things that we feel when we are masked behind our computers and our cell phones. We can tweet that we are on the toilet and no one is really going to think you are going too far anymore. The thing that I feel I can't do anymore, is be honest and open through my digital posts.

I always pause and think, am I being too open? Do I want everyone to know about this or that, but who am I supposed to turn to at a time like this when the only way I feel I can share things is through a digital outlet? I know I should probably turn to a friend, a family member, anyone, but I feel alone without having anyone to relate to because in all honesty, no one that I know has gone through what I am going through.

I can't find the words to express how I feel anymore because all I feel is anger, resentment, and hurt. I went into this with an open heart, and an open mind. I've never been in a situation like this before, I was never one of those girls that went from guy to guy. I never had the chance to date, I never had the opportunity to be confident in myself and share myself with someone else.

I didn't do a lot of things before I got married and maybe that is a problem. What I did do was build a lot of good relationships with many people that I am still very close to. Now though, all of those relationships are suffering because I have no option but to devote all of my time to my marriage. I feel like those girls that once they find their mate, they neglect everything around them. I don't want to be like that. I don't want that life.

Now because of my neglect, I feel alone without a person to talk to because you can't complain about someone to that someone.

I believe I did everything wrong in the relationship, I never wanted to be that girlfriend that would say "No don't go out with your guy friends, who knows what you'll do!" or "You're the guy, you take care of it!"

I wanted to be equal. I'm not a jealous person, but I don't like to be put in a position where I am not a priority. I feel that if I treat you like you're the only thing that is important to me, then I should be treated the same way. If I help around the house, you should help me too. If I scratch your back, scratch mine please.

I want to feel appreciated, I don't want to feel jealous every time I see other guys post things about their wives. About how much they love them, about how they are doing what they can for them. I can't be the stronger person in the relationship because I am not a strong person. I carry all of my issues on my shoulders daily, I can't do more than what I offer now.

Everything I can think of, all of my memories are full of negativities. All of them showered with an argument, or being upset with each other. All of our vacations soured by our inability to see eye to eye. All of the love that I may still have (and I do still have a lot because if I didn't it wouldnt hurt so much) is being ruined by something that I can no longer control.

I've been the best wife I could be, I've allowed myself to be taken advantage of, to be used. I've allowed the only person I've truly loved to crush me day by day and to destroy whatever self esteem he himself built up in me. I feel trapped in a relationship I no longer want to be a part of. I have pleaded for some type of change, only to have it thrown in my face with changes that are even worse.

Things get better, then they go back to how they once were or even worse then how they started. I don't want to feel like a mother, I want to feel like a wife. I want to know that spending time in my company is fun, and that there is a desire for it. If there isn't then let me go and let me be on my own. I can no longer stand around and be second best. I will no longer feel like an accessory, I won't be a stupid girl.

I would rather be alone and divorced than go through much more of this. 2 years of pleading is enough. I've been rather ugly as of late, and I don't plan on being much nicer to someone who has trampled all over my heart. Someone who's chosen their friends over their wife. Someone who cares about themselves only, unless its to get something they want.

I work hard for him, yet he works for himself only. I want to buy a house, he wants another car. I want to start a family, but I fear that it is all in vain and I will be a single mom that is married. Whatever the reasons may be, I know that I do not want this anymore. I will fight until I get out of this relationship because it is destroying me.

2010 a year gone by pt. 1

For lack of wanting to make an excuse, my basic reason for not blogging has been a lack of Internet access. As this year comes to an end, it pretty much means that it's time to reflect and recap what 2010 has really been all about.

Transition, transition, transition.

The year started off very rocky for me to say the least. I moved back in with my parents despite all of the conflicts that I've had with them in my lifetime. They, at first were neither here nor there, not supportive nor un-supportive of my choices. I returned back a different person, married, struggling financially, unemployed, a student, and with more exposed tattoos besides the small star on my finger I left my home with.

Besides the obvious physical changes, I came returned with strong differences emotionally and mentally. No longer was I that party girl, always hanging out with friends, always spending money on material possessions, drinking, doing drugs, being who I wanted to be. I returned a shell of that person, going to school part time struggling to finish with all A's. Most of the first couple of months were lonely, I found myself alone at home without any interaction with the outer world besides 4 days of school.

Sheltered again, this time by my own will. I did a lot of soul searching trying to decipher what I wanted out of life, what I wanted out of my marriage, and what I would do to make these things a reality. My relationship with Adrian was changing very rapidly, spending most of our time together for the last 9 months had proven that we were happy and that we had a lot of things to fix in our relationship respectively. Being separated from my husband proved to be a lot harder than I had anticipated. The months that we spent apart were filled with endless nights of crying, a lot of anger and frustration, and a lot of driving back and forth from south east Dallas to Frisco.

There wasn't much of a fuss over me finally finishing school and graduation came and went without my attendance to it. Graduating only meant that I'd have to repay all of my fees for going over my school contract, taking more certification tests, and paying a lot more to the great state of Texas to qualify for work. I passed my tests with flying colors, paid my dues, and received my licence in June, five months after graduation.

Eventually after many talks, many compromises, and a lot of driving, Adrian and I moved back in together. I wasn't the only one moving in with my parents, the summer brought my sister back home as well and her husband, and two infants. I'm not a baby person, I figure maybe one day I will be a good mother, but I do not want to be witness to other peoples parenting techniques or lack thereof. The rest of the year was a struggle just having to listen to my sisters family, noise is my enemy and infants yelling will take me from calm to furious in about 2 seconds.

I just don't like hearing screaming, end of story.

Never in my wildest dreams

Did i think that i would be here. I never thought i'd make it past 20. I never thought that i would live the life that i am living right now. I am a person that i can look up to. I am a person that doesnt have any regrets. I love my life, and that is something that i actually mean.

I lived with depression for too many years. I stayed up crying too many times. I didnt know what i was going to do with myself but now I know. I love my fiance, i love my job, and i love the school that i am attending.

Things do get rough, and i still cry but now i have loving arms to come home to everyday and i know that things can only go up from here.

I hadn't even noticed that it was getting cold outside.

Despite everything thats been going on, that upset me a lot. I've been trying to keep positive but being a prisoner in your own home is terrible. Especially when you loathe staying at home. Its been a week and a couple of hours since I've seen any of my friends, or Adrian, my boyfriend. 

It's been a tough tough week. When you suffer from mdd and you're at home with two parents that don't talk to you, it's not the easiest thing to cope with. I have thought about it various times, it'd be much easier to just lop myself off. But what would that really solve? 

Nothing is solved as it is, I don't have any transportation to get to job interviews, nor do I have a house key anymore. So if I leave during the day, the door stays unlocked. I'm at my wits end. I don't know what to do anymore.

Hello kitty... I can't get enough

So maybe i have TOO many things Hello Kitty? Or maybe not ENOUGH...

HK hand box thing??

I think this is a belt clip...not sure but CUTE

Cigarette Case!

DS bag... CUTE!

I still have other items that I didn't post...(I will later) mostly all the stickers and my 2 purses, along with a dish... yes.. I own a Hello Kitty plate. WHAT?

Things always change.

So things haven't been the same in awhile. I stopped working awhile ago to start another job. Unfortunately this wasn't something my parents agreed with. They decided to start following me around town. To say the least i wasn't doing something completely legal, but it was something i enjoyed. I had time to spend with the one person i truely love. Now i'm at home, i'm no longer allowed to go out at all. My car has been taken away from me despite that my parents haven't laid a penny on it. I don't have a job. Soon i won't have any money. I can't go out. I'm basically trapped. There isn't anything i can do now. I'm done trying. This time its over.

Wtf.

Why is there a horse on the corner of my street?