I hadn't even noticed that it was getting cold outside.

Despite everything thats been going on, that upset me a lot. I've been trying to keep positive but being a prisoner in your own home is terrible. Especially when you loathe staying at home. Its been a week and a couple of hours since I've seen any of my friends, or Adrian, my boyfriend. 

It's been a tough tough week. When you suffer from mdd and you're at home with two parents that don't talk to you, it's not the easiest thing to cope with. I have thought about it various times, it'd be much easier to just lop myself off. But what would that really solve? 

Nothing is solved as it is, I don't have any transportation to get to job interviews, nor do I have a house key anymore. So if I leave during the day, the door stays unlocked. I'm at my wits end. I don't know what to do anymore.

Hello kitty... I can't get enough

So maybe i have TOO many things Hello Kitty? Or maybe not ENOUGH...

HK hand box thing??

I think this is a belt clip...not sure but CUTE

Cigarette Case!

DS bag... CUTE!

I still have other items that I didn't post...(I will later) mostly all the stickers and my 2 purses, along with a dish... yes.. I own a Hello Kitty plate. WHAT?

Things always change.

So things haven't been the same in awhile. I stopped working awhile ago to start another job. Unfortunately this wasn't something my parents agreed with. They decided to start following me around town. To say the least i wasn't doing something completely legal, but it was something i enjoyed. I had time to spend with the one person i truely love. Now i'm at home, i'm no longer allowed to go out at all. My car has been taken away from me despite that my parents haven't laid a penny on it. I don't have a job. Soon i won't have any money. I can't go out. I'm basically trapped. There isn't anything i can do now. I'm done trying. This time its over.

Wtf.

Why is there a horse on the corner of my street?

My dash

Things just keep collecting on my dashboard

I spent all weekend with Adrian, we had a lot of fun doing just random things that I guess couples do. Nothing too out there, just basic lounging.

We spent most of the weekend swimming which turned out to be a lot of fun since the weather isn't letting up at all! Sunday though was awesome because I had the chance to cook for him and his friends. I made chicken manicotti which is really good if prepared correctly:

 

1 box manicotti

1 can of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom OR Cream of Chicken AND Mushroom

1 box Velveeta

1 bag of frozen broccoli

1 package of boneless chicken breasts

1 cup water

1 package of parmesan cheese

Set your oven for 350. PREHEAT!!!

Cube the boneless chicken breasts small enough to cook thoroughly and small enough to be stuffed into the manicotti. After you cube about 3 chicken breasts, stuff them into your manicotti. Place the manicotti into an oven safe baking dish. I used one that was about 9x12. Cube your Velveeta cheese and place in a microwave safe bowl. It's up to you how much or how little cheese you'd like to use. I used about half a block of the big package that they sell. If you use a whole small package, it should be enough as well. Mix the un-melted cheese with one can of cream of mushroom or cream of chicken and mushroom. If you're making a bigger dish for more guests, I'd suggest mixing the two together to add more flavors!

Once you add your Cream of Mushroom, using that same can, fill it with water and add that to your bowl. Stick that in the microwave for about 3 minutes, or until the cheese is completely melted. Once that's ready, pour it over your pasta and UNCOOKED chicken. Add some broccoli on the top of the dish, I added the whole bag of broccoli because I really like it, if you're not into it though you can omit it completely.

Now you can place your pasta into your preheated oven. It usually takes about an hour for this all to bake. Once you hit your 15 minutes left mark you can open the oven and sprinkle some parmesan cheese on the dish. If you bought natural parmesan instead of the powdered kind, give it a little more time to bake. With a fork you can puncture a piece of pasta to see if it goes through easily. Once it does, that means your food is ready. If it's been an hour and it's still a little hard to poke, give it about 20 to 30 more minutes. Oven times are always different depending on the oven.

I usually let the dish sit for 15 minutes just so it doesn't burn the roof of anyone's mouth. But if you like your food piping hot, then just dig in! Just a small amount of this manicotti will fill you up so don't over eat! It's also great to serve it with a side of salad or a fruit cup for dessert.

 

 

When I made mine on Sunday Adrian insisted I add a lot of cheese to it. Now I like cheese, but Jesus! That was too much cheese! We ate while we watched the cowboys game, which we won!

Overall the weekend was a lot of fun. I had a blast cooking, and had a lot of fun spending it with people I care about.

I'm really overly due for a haircut.. so much so that my hair just looks terribly damaged all the time now. I know its not, but it just needs to get hacked off.

Things at home are much better, sorta. My mom talked to me on Sunday asking me (demanding I tell her) where I was going, who I was going with, why I've been so cold with her, why I can't be a good daughter. Things that don't really have an answer, and things she should know. You can't leave someone a heart breaking letter and ask them to forget about it right away. You don't lock someone out of their house for three nights and tell them that they're being mean and not to hold any anger in their hearts.

 

Enough about that though.

In 11 days I'll celebrate my 3 month monthiversary… dating since April. When the year started I didn't in my wildest dreams imagine that I'd be celebrating an anniversary. When the year started I think I was dealing with the worst self esteem issues I'd ever had. I was still 30 lbs heavier than I am now, maybe more. I was trying to figure out what looked good on me as far as clothing. Still figuring out how I should do my hair, my makeup, all these things that I thought would help me attract a guy. I was so wrong.

Still having a crush on one of my closest male friends I felt stuck. I couldn't convince myself to get over him despite knowing that things would never evolve beyond a friendship. I started dating another guy that I used to go to college with to see if I could get my mind off of my friend. I remember the day I asked him to out to grab some coffee. I was upset that my friend started dating another girl, and out of sheer jealousy and much stupidity I went out to grab that cup of coffee (which in turn ended up being a cup of tea). I only dated that guy for a couple of weeks, no more than two months starting in april or march. I spent the weekends with him, mostly going out to dinner, then to bars. I often felt guilty because he would pay for me and I knew I was probably making more money than he was.

He had a really odd way of trying to connect with me, if I was mean to him he would be equally as mean back. We spent most of our time in his bedroom, doing whatever bedroom activities people do these days. It was after just a couple of dates that I knew that this wasn't it. We connected to a certain point but that spark, that feeling that I wanted wasn't there. He didn't excite me, not as much as he bored me. I spent a lot of time talking about my friends and texting them during our dates. Depending on the situation he would get jealous and express it very well. When I ended up curb checking my car (I was really drunk and shouldn't have been driving, it was reckless and stupid. Everyone should stay put even when they think they can drive) I realized that he wasn't the one for me.

I started dating my current boyfriend while I was still dating this other guy. We went to high school together and although I really liked him then, I didn't think he shared any feelings for me. In April we all started going bowling together once a week. We had crazy ideas about starting a bowling team. It didn't happen since we are all mediocre bowlers and we could never all make it to bowl at the same night. That night we all ended up drinking more than we should have and started reminiscing about high school in the parking lot. It wasn't until then 4 years later that I found out that he had a crush on me as well in high school. As I was dropping him off at home and saying out good nights I told him that I had no problem dating him. I would be more than happy to. It took us a while to finally end up together. I was still dating this other guy, and things with me and him were getting pretty serious.

Things with my current boyfriend were always really relaxed, on our first date we went to catch a movie, it was an odd feeling knowing that this was an official date since we went to the movies before. When I checked my car he was especially supportive offering me all kinds of things while the other guy was getting really upset at me for not being able to hang out with him. I remember being especially annoyed with him because he stated he was a proud man or something to that extent. Because being proud means you should be a complete dick towards someone who just ruined their car. Our last date together was nothing more than disgusting to me. We met at a small restaurant that I really like, he didn't like it at all. I got there before he did and as soon as he arrived I knew I would have to do a lot of ass kissing to get him to pay for this final meal.

Yes, I wanted him to pay for this meal. Not solely because I was being a gold digger, because I wasn't. But because I felt he owed me something to compensate for all the terrible times we'd spent together. It wasn't solely his fault, but his ego and lack of empathy certainly added to it. Sitting at that table was probably the most annoying dinner I'd ever had. This guy was older than I am, he sat in front of me pouting. Anger splashed all over his face, not saying much if anything, jumping to conclusions, and being mad at me for one reason and one reason only. He was upset because I told him I was most likely not going out for awhile. We wouldn't be able to spend any time together, and this was directly after I wrecked my car. Both side tires were flat and the wheels were destroyed as well. All of this and he was upset because I couldn't hang out.

I had to coax him to speak to me, I had to somehow convince him that I didn't say any of those things to be mean, only because it was the truth. There was no possible way we could hang out if I didn't have a car. After the worst meal of my life we ended up going back to his place to take a walk after that terrible meal. We sat down by a lake near his apartment and talked while he complained about the mosquitoes. He complained an awful lot. I spent the night texting my future boyfriend on his bed, wishing I had spent the night with him and not with this other guy. After some disgust with myself on the way home I decided that it'd be best for us not to continue a romantic relationship anymore. I offered a friendship which he declined and we agreed to stay friends only speaking sparingly.

Although there was something that stopped me from immediately committing to my boyfriend, we started dating with much more frequency. Phone calls were more common, texts messaging actually went berserk, and seeing each other twice or three times a week was nothing out of the ordinary. I had to state right in the beginning that I couldn't commit to him. I explained to him why, and he understood.

On June 14^th, 2008 I decided that it was ok. We had been spending a lot of time together. The phone would ring and I would hope it was him, I would receive a text message and my stomach would turn into dough. I was still scared of being hurt. I still had a lot of anger built up from all of those years of being single and feeling unworthy. I decided to let that all go. I was happy, I was with someone who made me smile, who kept me entertained, who truly and honestly liked me for who I was and not who I had to pretend to be.

After dating for this while we've been through our ups and minor downs. I know that our problems haven't been too terrible. They're some bumps here and there but over all I'm happy. He still looks at me sometimes and I can tell that he is truly happy as well. I don't think I could've met anyone as amazing as he is.

In 11 days when we celebrate 3 months together I need to figure out what to get him. Month 2 I gave him a handmade card. I really want to keep that up, but at the same time I want to give him something a little more special. If we still are in our puppy love stage, then so be it. We talk things through even when I don't really want to. He makes the effort to keep me happy even when I don't deserve it. He likes it when my hair is terribly disheveled even when I hate it. We have things to work on, mostly on communication and not being afraid to step on each other's toes. But I think that will eventually come second nature as time passes by.

For now, I'm happy that I dated the right guy, that I finally got what I wanted.

Week 3.. everything can and will go wrong.

Week 3 of things going bad, is going exactly as I've mentioned… Bad.

My week started off with me being locked out of my house, yet again, except this time the screen was locked right in my face. Not to get into too much detail, I ended up at a hotel for the night. Luckily Adrian stayed with me so I wouldn't have to sleep alone. Unfortunately, because of that I didn't make it up early (technically I did, but he didn't) enough to sign a lease that same day.

I ended up going back home that same night and coming to work the next day. My apartment search was sadly going nowhere all week. The day that I was supposed to sign and lease we didn't get there on time, again thanks to bad planning and driving distances that shouldn't have been driven by me. I've decided I shouldn't move. I don't have the money to move out on my own. Although I was told that I'd be taken care of, I highly doubt that this would be the situation. I can't risk moving out and having accumulated debt based just on someone's word.

It's tough having to go home everyday to a house where no one talks to you even if the people who aren't speaking to you are your own parents. To live somewhere where you aren't wanted really hurts. And to know that you have no options is even worse.

I tried to get my financial aid done this week but it seems that I won't be able to attend school either. My dad refused to sign the release form, so there goes my plans.

I've decided that I'm through making plans, I'm through reaching for that unattainable goal. I don't know where life will lead me right now, but at this point I don't care. If I lose my job, I lose it. If I get kicked out to live in the streets, or in a shelter then so be it. If I "mysteriously" end up crashing my car driving at 100 mph then whatever.. things just "happen" right?

I'm turning 22 in about a month and a half.. I still haven't figured out what I want to get myself. Last year I treated myself to some Burberry shoes which cost me a pretty penny. I'm thinking this year I want to go ahead and get another tattoo. Possibly a hello kitty tattoo. That's a little weird but still. I've seen a lot of them floating around the internet so far but I think I want to go ahead and get two. One on my lower hip next to my other tattoos and one on my finger. Maybe next to my other finger tattoo.

 

Besides getting a tattoo turning 22 is becoming more of a big deal to me as I think about it. I know I'm still young but growing older still scares me quite a bit. I just know that as time progresses I can't go back and do the things I used to do. Hopefully this year I won't just get stupid drunk at my dinner. I hope I'm not bombarded by shots.

Things at my house turned for the better last night. I went ahead and broke the ice, or whatever amount of ice I had with my dad. Nothing major but I know I'm on good terms with him. As for my mom I'm not too sure. She used my car last night unbeknownst to me, which is really funny. How can you write me such a hateful letter then use my things? That's just petty. But I don't want to dwell on negative things like that. At the beginning of the year I decided I'd become a more positive person, I should keep this practice fresh in my mind.

So on a positive note; I have passes to watch screenings of movies all week! Ok well at least for the next three days including tonight. Tonight me and Adrian are heading to the inwood to watch Elegy. Hopefully it turns out ok, the theatre had a major renovation this year. Lovesac turned the whole bottom theatre into a really comfortable little area.. Well huge area. Along with couches they have ottomans and lovesacs spread all around the theatre. It's really comfortable but it's so easy to fall asleep there now. Especially since they have a bar… drinking and couches.. sleep city.

Tomorrow I'm heading to northpark with muffy to watch The House Bunny. I don't expect great things but I expect to stay a little entertained. Then Thursday I'm going to the Cinemark to watch Hamlet 2 with Jackie. That's probably the only one I'm excited to watch. Jackie's present that I ordered from lulu.com finally came in yesterday. Although I was a little disappointed that the book was so thin, I was still pleased overall with how it turned out. I hope she likes it.

This past weekend we celebrated Jackie's birthday at Texas Roadhouse. The night started out really bumpy, I had to rush to get dressed and rush to go and grab her a cake before I headed to the restaurant. Things ended up smoother as the night went on. We had a brief dinner then ended up at Wild Turkey for some drinks, which was proceeded by swimming at nick's house.

The night or morning ended up well, but I'm guessing it was only the calm before the storm. I arrived at my house really late (but not without good cause) to a locked screen door. Soaking wet from swimming in my clothes (I didn't know we were going to swim..) I sat outside my front door praying someone would open the door, after some futile minutes I decided to just sleep in my car. It was cold outside and I didn't want to get sick. Finally at 11am I managed to go inside (after sleeping for about 5 hours in my car.. still wet and cold) only to discover a note sitting on my bed.

From my mom, asking me to please move out. I cause too many problems, she regrets having me come back to her house after moving out the first time. Concluding with only, Thank you for never making me happy. Although I can't say I'm surprised that she wrote me a letter, I am surprised that she was so heartless.

I don't understand how she could ask me to return to church and then say that I'm a total disappointment. Doesn't the bible teach you to be forgiving and not to judge? Doesn't it say that we should cherish our children and parents alike? I've never told her that I've hated her because I don't. Not even when I was younger and much meaner with my parents. Is it unjust for a 21 year old girl to want to stay out late sometimes? I don't stay out until 6am often. These are occasions when I have friends I want to hang out with. On occasions for birthdays. Days of celebration. This means nothing since she doesn't celebrate birthday anyway.

The question I keep asking myself is will I actually move?

My dad owns our house, and he has yet to tell me to gather my things. If he does, I of course won't object, it's his home and if he doesn't want me there I won't stay. For now I can't afford to leave my house, their house. There is no way that I could afford rent, I don't have the money to pay for groceries… I'm barely making it as it is right now.

The thing that really bugs me, that crawls under my skin is that all the years I went to church, it's made me afraid of everything. Although I don't find a reason to believe in god right now, it scares me to even say that. Logically I can't think of a reason on why I should. What makes my god more real than a Buddha? What makes my religion the right one but others wrong? Everyone who was raised in their own religion believes that theirs is the correct one, so why is mine right but there's isn't?

I know this is the reason why my mother is so upset. Because I refuse to go to church with her any longer, and it makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel guilty every time I go out with my boyfriend. She makes me feel bad for having to hide it from her (if she knew I'd come home to find my stuff in the street..). The bottom line is I feel bad for going out and having fun. I feel bad for living a normal life that is American. The life I'm supposed to live is one of a suppressed Mexican. This is something I refuse. I can't live that way.

8/12/08

Things have been getting both better and worse at the same time. My dad is sick, still. I'm slowly trying to get myself back on track financially. Things are always bad when it comes to finances but that's ok. Money comes and goes.

I finally got the chance to sign up for school a couple of weeks ago. I should start this coming up month at the Ogle's school of hair, skin, and nails. I don't know still how I feel about going to a beauty school but I think I can make it as long as I put my mind to it.

Working as a receptionist is fun, I will admit that. I have time to myself to do whatever I need to do. But it's a very lonely job especially if you the company is small. The one I work for is relatively small. Small enough to where we don't get too many visitors on any given day. The phone rings once in awhile and I get a lot of reading done, but this isn't what I want to do long term.

Being an esthetician is something that I always thought about I guess. I've always been very into makeup I just don't want to pursue a career that is specifically targeted at women. I don't want to just do a job that doesn't have anything to do with using your brain to its full potential.

For now I'll settle with what I can get to get myself out of debt. I'll work as a receptionist, I'll study to do makeup. Later in life things will change for me.

My coworker just got a basket of fruit shaped like flowers. Upon opening the card he looked shocked and then said it was weird. Fruit is never weird. Fruit is delicious.

money woes..

I know the economy is going down the drain. Everything is way more expensive than what it used to be.

I just received my phone bill, it's about 150 dollars more than usual. On top of that i have student loans i have to pay back. I need 4 new tires for my car, i need to get the oil changed, the emissions light is on.. and it trembles when i go over 70 in it.

I have credit card bills, i have gas to pump, and various personal items i need to buy.

How exactly am i supposed to manage?

I don't know but my dad is about to quit his job and I'm going to have to chip in with the bills...

I made little hearts out of staples. Yea. I'm that bored.

Tasty or not?

My lunch looks?

I'm being held hostage! How am i supposed to get inside? Eww! :(

Starting off my day...

Nothing like coffee in the . . . Wait. I like tea. Wtf.

Summer wish list....

Cause sometimes, making lists about things youre never going to get is fun. Unless you get them... then things turn from fun to awesome.





















This is the 2nd gen iphone, which i so want.



























Because you have to have a burberry pink vespa. HAVE.

Hookah night..

There's nothing like smoking with good friends.

While the dye activates

I have to wait awhile until i get to take a shower and rinse all of this hair dye out. I've been doing pretty OK when it comes to my diet. I can proudly say that I've already lost about 40lbs since last may.

It's been a rough journey but I've made it through. Some of the biggest things i need to remember to do is eat less meat! That's probably one of the roughest things I've had to do since my family involves beef in EVERYTHING. Veggies and Fruits seem to be the key along with a good dose of whole grains.

Mainly my day consists of a carnation instant breakfast mixed with 2% milk. Snack at about 9:30... Mainly some apples. Then lunch which is usually some type of soup. Snack again at 3pm... more apples? Maybe some carrots? Then dinner and some milk of course. The milk helps with feeling full. Also they say that 3 glasses of 2% milk is shown to help promote weight loss.

I'm back to my high-school weight which I had surpassed about 4 years ago. I don't think i ever thought I'd be this thin again! But this isn't my goal... i still have ways to go.

Exercising is still my biggest challenge next to the meat thing. But I'm doing better!

Tomorrow I get the awesome opportunity to cook for the guys again. On the menu we have a couple of items.

Chicken Fried Steak
Rice, Broccoli, and Cheese casserole
Macaroni? Maybe.
Carrots? Probably.
Some kind of dessert?

Ok well i don't have everything planned out yet. I'll look for recipes tomorrow at work!

Good things come in phone calls.

Its taken me about 2 months, but I'm finally getting into "Love in the Time of Cholera". It's the second book that I've had to force myself to read. The first being "Atonement". Something about being WAY too descriptive. It just put me off as soon as i opened it.

I've been keeping busy lately. Dating, hanging out, doing the same old same old. I always thought when i was younger that I'd be out doing something waaaayyyy bad ass by the time i was 21. I think I'm fulfilling that dream. I always wanted to be a bar junkie. Getting to meet interesting people with liquor scorched on their breath. It's happening very slowly but very steadily.

Maybe I should have stayed in college? Maybe.

Now I just get to spend my time behind my desk at work. We're still getting a lot of strangers here at work. The deaf man from a couple of weeks ago.. well a month ago. He called me the other day. It was probably the most interesting phone conversation I've had at work. (He actually called me twice that day.) I've never actually interacted with anyone that was deaf, so pardon me if this seems a little naive.

I knew that when you were deaf you would need someone to talk on the phone with you. I sat here thinking "Yea, this is the deaf guy alright. He wants a job, but we can't really hire him to work out in the back in the plants... it's kind of dangerous...". That's totally discrimination, but how do i say it in a way that seems plausible? as the conversation went on, and a while after i hung up the phone i thought to myself "That must be an awesome job."

The Job? Oh! To be a phone operator... The woman that i was speaking to that was talking on his behalf had to act out his emotions based on his signs. Or at least that's what i figure they were doing. Even so... She did an amazing job. I felt very uncomfortable because she made it so realistic. How do you even get into that field?!

On a different note... Forgetting Sarah Marshall? Awesome movie. I spent the last couple of days quoting it. Except i keep quoting the same quote "I'm Samantha I HAVE SEX WITH EVERYONE!"....

What else do i have to look forward to? Pineapple Express... duh. While I'm at it... Harold and Kumar... They weren't even in Guantanamo Bay for 5 minutes. Didn't i watch this exact same movie before? Wasn't it Harold and Kumar go to white castle? No? Oh well it was the same thing... except this time there wasn't a cheetah. And the cheetah was the heart and soul of that movie.

such bad taste

I got to go out last night with a friend of mine... He gave me some god awful rings.. I love the hell out of them cause they're so tacky.

We get a lot of weird people here at work looking for jobs... strange stuff always happens.

I sent him a text explaining the awesomeness of the rings and the strange people here.

"I feel like Misty Marie Kleinman with this ring on. On the brightside, I just had an awesome conversation with a deaf man."

"Was it about the ring?"

"No he wanted to work here. He asked me for a pen and paper. And i had to send him to our temp agency. It was awesome."

"Sounds fantastic. The highlight of the day."

"Not unless i run into a blind mute later.."

"Fingers crossed."

"Fo sho."


I'm keeping that sheet of paper...

Revamp, Reload

I didn't even want to look at the last 3 years of blogging. AWAY WITH IT ALL! One quick sharp move of my mouse and snap! Deleted. College and most of last year were pretty harsh. It's best to get rid of it all like a bad dream that just shouldn't be re-read all over again... and again... and again.