Week 3.. everything can and will go wrong.

Week 3 of things going bad, is going exactly as I've mentioned… Bad.

My week started off with me being locked out of my house, yet again, except this time the screen was locked right in my face. Not to get into too much detail, I ended up at a hotel for the night. Luckily Adrian stayed with me so I wouldn't have to sleep alone. Unfortunately, because of that I didn't make it up early (technically I did, but he didn't) enough to sign a lease that same day.

I ended up going back home that same night and coming to work the next day. My apartment search was sadly going nowhere all week. The day that I was supposed to sign and lease we didn't get there on time, again thanks to bad planning and driving distances that shouldn't have been driven by me. I've decided I shouldn't move. I don't have the money to move out on my own. Although I was told that I'd be taken care of, I highly doubt that this would be the situation. I can't risk moving out and having accumulated debt based just on someone's word.

It's tough having to go home everyday to a house where no one talks to you even if the people who aren't speaking to you are your own parents. To live somewhere where you aren't wanted really hurts. And to know that you have no options is even worse.

I tried to get my financial aid done this week but it seems that I won't be able to attend school either. My dad refused to sign the release form, so there goes my plans.

I've decided that I'm through making plans, I'm through reaching for that unattainable goal. I don't know where life will lead me right now, but at this point I don't care. If I lose my job, I lose it. If I get kicked out to live in the streets, or in a shelter then so be it. If I "mysteriously" end up crashing my car driving at 100 mph then whatever.. things just "happen" right?

I'm turning 22 in about a month and a half.. I still haven't figured out what I want to get myself. Last year I treated myself to some Burberry shoes which cost me a pretty penny. I'm thinking this year I want to go ahead and get another tattoo. Possibly a hello kitty tattoo. That's a little weird but still. I've seen a lot of them floating around the internet so far but I think I want to go ahead and get two. One on my lower hip next to my other tattoos and one on my finger. Maybe next to my other finger tattoo.

 

Besides getting a tattoo turning 22 is becoming more of a big deal to me as I think about it. I know I'm still young but growing older still scares me quite a bit. I just know that as time progresses I can't go back and do the things I used to do. Hopefully this year I won't just get stupid drunk at my dinner. I hope I'm not bombarded by shots.

Things at my house turned for the better last night. I went ahead and broke the ice, or whatever amount of ice I had with my dad. Nothing major but I know I'm on good terms with him. As for my mom I'm not too sure. She used my car last night unbeknownst to me, which is really funny. How can you write me such a hateful letter then use my things? That's just petty. But I don't want to dwell on negative things like that. At the beginning of the year I decided I'd become a more positive person, I should keep this practice fresh in my mind.

So on a positive note; I have passes to watch screenings of movies all week! Ok well at least for the next three days including tonight. Tonight me and Adrian are heading to the inwood to watch Elegy. Hopefully it turns out ok, the theatre had a major renovation this year. Lovesac turned the whole bottom theatre into a really comfortable little area.. Well huge area. Along with couches they have ottomans and lovesacs spread all around the theatre. It's really comfortable but it's so easy to fall asleep there now. Especially since they have a bar… drinking and couches.. sleep city.

Tomorrow I'm heading to northpark with muffy to watch The House Bunny. I don't expect great things but I expect to stay a little entertained. Then Thursday I'm going to the Cinemark to watch Hamlet 2 with Jackie. That's probably the only one I'm excited to watch. Jackie's present that I ordered from lulu.com finally came in yesterday. Although I was a little disappointed that the book was so thin, I was still pleased overall with how it turned out. I hope she likes it.

This past weekend we celebrated Jackie's birthday at Texas Roadhouse. The night started out really bumpy, I had to rush to get dressed and rush to go and grab her a cake before I headed to the restaurant. Things ended up smoother as the night went on. We had a brief dinner then ended up at Wild Turkey for some drinks, which was proceeded by swimming at nick's house.

The night or morning ended up well, but I'm guessing it was only the calm before the storm. I arrived at my house really late (but not without good cause) to a locked screen door. Soaking wet from swimming in my clothes (I didn't know we were going to swim..) I sat outside my front door praying someone would open the door, after some futile minutes I decided to just sleep in my car. It was cold outside and I didn't want to get sick. Finally at 11am I managed to go inside (after sleeping for about 5 hours in my car.. still wet and cold) only to discover a note sitting on my bed.

From my mom, asking me to please move out. I cause too many problems, she regrets having me come back to her house after moving out the first time. Concluding with only, Thank you for never making me happy. Although I can't say I'm surprised that she wrote me a letter, I am surprised that she was so heartless.

I don't understand how she could ask me to return to church and then say that I'm a total disappointment. Doesn't the bible teach you to be forgiving and not to judge? Doesn't it say that we should cherish our children and parents alike? I've never told her that I've hated her because I don't. Not even when I was younger and much meaner with my parents. Is it unjust for a 21 year old girl to want to stay out late sometimes? I don't stay out until 6am often. These are occasions when I have friends I want to hang out with. On occasions for birthdays. Days of celebration. This means nothing since she doesn't celebrate birthday anyway.

The question I keep asking myself is will I actually move?

My dad owns our house, and he has yet to tell me to gather my things. If he does, I of course won't object, it's his home and if he doesn't want me there I won't stay. For now I can't afford to leave my house, their house. There is no way that I could afford rent, I don't have the money to pay for groceries… I'm barely making it as it is right now.

The thing that really bugs me, that crawls under my skin is that all the years I went to church, it's made me afraid of everything. Although I don't find a reason to believe in god right now, it scares me to even say that. Logically I can't think of a reason on why I should. What makes my god more real than a Buddha? What makes my religion the right one but others wrong? Everyone who was raised in their own religion believes that theirs is the correct one, so why is mine right but there's isn't?

I know this is the reason why my mother is so upset. Because I refuse to go to church with her any longer, and it makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel guilty every time I go out with my boyfriend. She makes me feel bad for having to hide it from her (if she knew I'd come home to find my stuff in the street..). The bottom line is I feel bad for going out and having fun. I feel bad for living a normal life that is American. The life I'm supposed to live is one of a suppressed Mexican. This is something I refuse. I can't live that way.

8/12/08

Things have been getting both better and worse at the same time. My dad is sick, still. I'm slowly trying to get myself back on track financially. Things are always bad when it comes to finances but that's ok. Money comes and goes.

I finally got the chance to sign up for school a couple of weeks ago. I should start this coming up month at the Ogle's school of hair, skin, and nails. I don't know still how I feel about going to a beauty school but I think I can make it as long as I put my mind to it.

Working as a receptionist is fun, I will admit that. I have time to myself to do whatever I need to do. But it's a very lonely job especially if you the company is small. The one I work for is relatively small. Small enough to where we don't get too many visitors on any given day. The phone rings once in awhile and I get a lot of reading done, but this isn't what I want to do long term.

Being an esthetician is something that I always thought about I guess. I've always been very into makeup I just don't want to pursue a career that is specifically targeted at women. I don't want to just do a job that doesn't have anything to do with using your brain to its full potential.

For now I'll settle with what I can get to get myself out of debt. I'll work as a receptionist, I'll study to do makeup. Later in life things will change for me.