This past weekend we celebrated Jackie's birthday at Texas Roadhouse. The night started out really bumpy, I had to rush to get dressed and rush to go and grab her a cake before I headed to the restaurant. Things ended up smoother as the night went on. We had a brief dinner then ended up at Wild Turkey for some drinks, which was proceeded by swimming at nick's house.

The night or morning ended up well, but I'm guessing it was only the calm before the storm. I arrived at my house really late (but not without good cause) to a locked screen door. Soaking wet from swimming in my clothes (I didn't know we were going to swim..) I sat outside my front door praying someone would open the door, after some futile minutes I decided to just sleep in my car. It was cold outside and I didn't want to get sick. Finally at 11am I managed to go inside (after sleeping for about 5 hours in my car.. still wet and cold) only to discover a note sitting on my bed.

From my mom, asking me to please move out. I cause too many problems, she regrets having me come back to her house after moving out the first time. Concluding with only, Thank you for never making me happy. Although I can't say I'm surprised that she wrote me a letter, I am surprised that she was so heartless.

I don't understand how she could ask me to return to church and then say that I'm a total disappointment. Doesn't the bible teach you to be forgiving and not to judge? Doesn't it say that we should cherish our children and parents alike? I've never told her that I've hated her because I don't. Not even when I was younger and much meaner with my parents. Is it unjust for a 21 year old girl to want to stay out late sometimes? I don't stay out until 6am often. These are occasions when I have friends I want to hang out with. On occasions for birthdays. Days of celebration. This means nothing since she doesn't celebrate birthday anyway.

The question I keep asking myself is will I actually move?

My dad owns our house, and he has yet to tell me to gather my things. If he does, I of course won't object, it's his home and if he doesn't want me there I won't stay. For now I can't afford to leave my house, their house. There is no way that I could afford rent, I don't have the money to pay for groceries… I'm barely making it as it is right now.

The thing that really bugs me, that crawls under my skin is that all the years I went to church, it's made me afraid of everything. Although I don't find a reason to believe in god right now, it scares me to even say that. Logically I can't think of a reason on why I should. What makes my god more real than a Buddha? What makes my religion the right one but others wrong? Everyone who was raised in their own religion believes that theirs is the correct one, so why is mine right but there's isn't?

I know this is the reason why my mother is so upset. Because I refuse to go to church with her any longer, and it makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel guilty every time I go out with my boyfriend. She makes me feel bad for having to hide it from her (if she knew I'd come home to find my stuff in the street..). The bottom line is I feel bad for going out and having fun. I feel bad for living a normal life that is American. The life I'm supposed to live is one of a suppressed Mexican. This is something I refuse. I can't live that way.