I'm really overly due for a haircut.. so much so that my hair just looks terribly damaged all the time now. I know its not, but it just needs to get hacked off.

Things at home are much better, sorta. My mom talked to me on Sunday asking me (demanding I tell her) where I was going, who I was going with, why I've been so cold with her, why I can't be a good daughter. Things that don't really have an answer, and things she should know. You can't leave someone a heart breaking letter and ask them to forget about it right away. You don't lock someone out of their house for three nights and tell them that they're being mean and not to hold any anger in their hearts.

 

Enough about that though.

In 11 days I'll celebrate my 3 month monthiversary… dating since April. When the year started I didn't in my wildest dreams imagine that I'd be celebrating an anniversary. When the year started I think I was dealing with the worst self esteem issues I'd ever had. I was still 30 lbs heavier than I am now, maybe more. I was trying to figure out what looked good on me as far as clothing. Still figuring out how I should do my hair, my makeup, all these things that I thought would help me attract a guy. I was so wrong.

Still having a crush on one of my closest male friends I felt stuck. I couldn't convince myself to get over him despite knowing that things would never evolve beyond a friendship. I started dating another guy that I used to go to college with to see if I could get my mind off of my friend. I remember the day I asked him to out to grab some coffee. I was upset that my friend started dating another girl, and out of sheer jealousy and much stupidity I went out to grab that cup of coffee (which in turn ended up being a cup of tea). I only dated that guy for a couple of weeks, no more than two months starting in april or march. I spent the weekends with him, mostly going out to dinner, then to bars. I often felt guilty because he would pay for me and I knew I was probably making more money than he was.

He had a really odd way of trying to connect with me, if I was mean to him he would be equally as mean back. We spent most of our time in his bedroom, doing whatever bedroom activities people do these days. It was after just a couple of dates that I knew that this wasn't it. We connected to a certain point but that spark, that feeling that I wanted wasn't there. He didn't excite me, not as much as he bored me. I spent a lot of time talking about my friends and texting them during our dates. Depending on the situation he would get jealous and express it very well. When I ended up curb checking my car (I was really drunk and shouldn't have been driving, it was reckless and stupid. Everyone should stay put even when they think they can drive) I realized that he wasn't the one for me.

I started dating my current boyfriend while I was still dating this other guy. We went to high school together and although I really liked him then, I didn't think he shared any feelings for me. In April we all started going bowling together once a week. We had crazy ideas about starting a bowling team. It didn't happen since we are all mediocre bowlers and we could never all make it to bowl at the same night. That night we all ended up drinking more than we should have and started reminiscing about high school in the parking lot. It wasn't until then 4 years later that I found out that he had a crush on me as well in high school. As I was dropping him off at home and saying out good nights I told him that I had no problem dating him. I would be more than happy to. It took us a while to finally end up together. I was still dating this other guy, and things with me and him were getting pretty serious.

Things with my current boyfriend were always really relaxed, on our first date we went to catch a movie, it was an odd feeling knowing that this was an official date since we went to the movies before. When I checked my car he was especially supportive offering me all kinds of things while the other guy was getting really upset at me for not being able to hang out with him. I remember being especially annoyed with him because he stated he was a proud man or something to that extent. Because being proud means you should be a complete dick towards someone who just ruined their car. Our last date together was nothing more than disgusting to me. We met at a small restaurant that I really like, he didn't like it at all. I got there before he did and as soon as he arrived I knew I would have to do a lot of ass kissing to get him to pay for this final meal.

Yes, I wanted him to pay for this meal. Not solely because I was being a gold digger, because I wasn't. But because I felt he owed me something to compensate for all the terrible times we'd spent together. It wasn't solely his fault, but his ego and lack of empathy certainly added to it. Sitting at that table was probably the most annoying dinner I'd ever had. This guy was older than I am, he sat in front of me pouting. Anger splashed all over his face, not saying much if anything, jumping to conclusions, and being mad at me for one reason and one reason only. He was upset because I told him I was most likely not going out for awhile. We wouldn't be able to spend any time together, and this was directly after I wrecked my car. Both side tires were flat and the wheels were destroyed as well. All of this and he was upset because I couldn't hang out.

I had to coax him to speak to me, I had to somehow convince him that I didn't say any of those things to be mean, only because it was the truth. There was no possible way we could hang out if I didn't have a car. After the worst meal of my life we ended up going back to his place to take a walk after that terrible meal. We sat down by a lake near his apartment and talked while he complained about the mosquitoes. He complained an awful lot. I spent the night texting my future boyfriend on his bed, wishing I had spent the night with him and not with this other guy. After some disgust with myself on the way home I decided that it'd be best for us not to continue a romantic relationship anymore. I offered a friendship which he declined and we agreed to stay friends only speaking sparingly.

Although there was something that stopped me from immediately committing to my boyfriend, we started dating with much more frequency. Phone calls were more common, texts messaging actually went berserk, and seeing each other twice or three times a week was nothing out of the ordinary. I had to state right in the beginning that I couldn't commit to him. I explained to him why, and he understood.

On June 14^th, 2008 I decided that it was ok. We had been spending a lot of time together. The phone would ring and I would hope it was him, I would receive a text message and my stomach would turn into dough. I was still scared of being hurt. I still had a lot of anger built up from all of those years of being single and feeling unworthy. I decided to let that all go. I was happy, I was with someone who made me smile, who kept me entertained, who truly and honestly liked me for who I was and not who I had to pretend to be.

After dating for this while we've been through our ups and minor downs. I know that our problems haven't been too terrible. They're some bumps here and there but over all I'm happy. He still looks at me sometimes and I can tell that he is truly happy as well. I don't think I could've met anyone as amazing as he is.

In 11 days when we celebrate 3 months together I need to figure out what to get him. Month 2 I gave him a handmade card. I really want to keep that up, but at the same time I want to give him something a little more special. If we still are in our puppy love stage, then so be it. We talk things through even when I don't really want to. He makes the effort to keep me happy even when I don't deserve it. He likes it when my hair is terribly disheveled even when I hate it. We have things to work on, mostly on communication and not being afraid to step on each other's toes. But I think that will eventually come second nature as time passes by.

For now, I'm happy that I dated the right guy, that I finally got what I wanted.